SET A COURSE... FOR ROMANCE!
Love is in the air... welcome to the computer cult movie dating agency
that is the seventh Spinning
Now that Spring has almost sprung upon us (depending on where you live),
it's the time of year that the thoughts of all bright young things turn
to one thing - sha - er, that is, love. So snuggle up with your partner
and read on as we delve into movie love affairs. If you don't have a partner,
then don't look to us for advice. What do you want? A miracle?!
LOVE IS IN THE AIR
- News Pages
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Let's take a look at those uplifting, life-affirming movies that everybody
watches on Valentine's Day. Not the obvious ones, like Casablanca,
Brief Encounter or Sleepless in Seattle, no, but the ones
that have been unjustly overlooked in the stories of romance...
- THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Those two little words: "I know" are enough to send the most
hard-hearted of fanboys choking back the tears.
- BONNIE AND CLYDE
A couple on the run, their passion runs high, especially when they're
shooting people. An inadvisable substitute for Viagra, it has to be
- TRUE ROMANCE
A couple on the run, and every comic book geek's dream - a girlfriend
who goes to see Sonny Chiba movies with you. Obviously the "being
threatened with extreme physical violence" part isn't quite as
- WILD AT HEART
A couple on the, er, run, and apparently Sailor and Lula are supposed
to be Elvis and Marilyn Monroe - if you don't look at them and don't
listen to them, the resemblance is indeed uncanny.
- HONEYMOON KILLERS
A couple on the... yeah, anyway, this goes to show that everyone has
that special someone somewhere. Hope for homcidal fraudsters everywhere.
- BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
On the other hand, you could meet someone who was made for you, only
for it all to go horribly wrong on that disastrous first date when she
starts screaming in your general direction.
- BRIDE OF CHUCKY
Or it could go horribly right - a match made in heaven. Well, a match
made in Hell, anyway, but at least there's that tender love scene that
should have won prizes for sheer weirdness.
- BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA
What's this? Count Dracula - pussy-whipped? Getting all lovey dovey
instead of all bloody messy? Mind you, Winona gives Keanu a run for
his money in the "worst accent" department.
- THE MUSIC LOVERS
Let's have a bit of culture. The story of closet homosexual composer
Tchaikovsky and his mentally unstable wife which culminates in Mrs T
squatting over a grating beneath which some lunatic asylum inmates,
erm, right, moving on...
- AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
Ah, the doomed love affair. It all could have gone so perfectly if he
hadn't had a tendency to turn into a murderous beast and was gunned
down by the army. But if he hadn't been a werewolf, they'd never have
met. So poignant.
- KING KONG
Doomed love affair #2. You all know the story, but what did the great
ape expect to happen when he got her back to Chez Kong for a candlelit
dinner? Where did he expect to end up? Quite worrying when you think
- PRETTY POISON
They say unrequited love is the only love that lasts. But be sure the
murderous object of your affection isn't going to get you imprisoned
for a long stretch - it's not worth the effort. Have a cold shower or
The touching, moving story of a man and his girlfriend who happens to
be, er, dead. OK, that's not particularly touching. That's disgusting.
Let's change the subject. Next!
- NEKROMANTIK 2
The touching, moving story of a woman and her - hey, no, that's not
appropriate... [That's enough romantic movies. Ed]
How are romantic movies represented on the world wide web? Let's see what
we can find...
Ah, some classic pairings here: Eli Wallach and Carrol Baker! Gerald Mohr
and Mamie Van Doren! Lizabeth Scott and lots of people! Not all at once
of course. No, we can do better than that.
How about this? Some top five lists of swooning romance such as Now
Voyager, Out of Sight, er, American Pie? Showgirls?!
What, the swimming pool bit?! That can't be right!
Let us travel to the Isle of Lesbos, that's what we want to see, eh,
lads? Wahey! What do we find? http://pages.emerson.edu/organizations/fas/latent_image/issues/1991-09/feminine.htm
Erm, OK maybe not.
Here's another list, how do we get on?
Hm, it's more romantic sex scenes than love scenes... Basic Instinct,
9½ Weeks, Deliverance - Deliverance?! Right,
forget it, let's end the topic.
YOU'VE HEARD THE ALBUM, NOW SEE THE FILM!
As you probably know, Bee Gee Maurice Gibb died in January, and as you
may remember, the Bee Gees starred in a film of an album, in this case
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. So what other albums
could benefit from the silver screen treatment as the Beatles benefited
from that 1970s atrocity?
- THE EMINEM SHOW - Eminem
A sequel to 8 Mile, starring the man himself, making his way
to huge success - sort of a rap Stardust, using Eminem's music. But
what price fame?
- OXYGENE - Jean Michel Jarre
An epic of space exploration, in the mould of 2001, with the
French beepster's tones providing the backdrop for the silence of the
ships hurtling through the cosmos...
- SURF'S UP - The Beach Boys
An ecology drama featuring Philip Seymour Hoffman as a pontificating,
hardline naturalist. The ending should be made completely incomprehensible
to tie in with the title track.
- THE BEGINNING STAGES OF - The Polyphonic Spree
This mixture of uplifting songs and slightly creepy atmosphere could
be the soundtrack to a film of a joyous suicide cult's final adventures
in consciousness-expansion. Let's cast Crispin Glover as the guru.
- HOT BUTTERED SOUL - Isaac Hayes
One night in the life of a notorious Romeo, played by Isaac himself,
in cartoon form. Yeah, OK, it would be Chef - The Movie. The man and
the character are inseperable now.
- AUTOBAHN - Kraftwerk
You know that bit in the original Solaris where the hero takes
a long drive down a motorway? How about an experimental film of a three-hour
car journey accompanied by the music of the German electro-music pioneers?
- THE TRANSFORMED MAN - William Shatner
It would be the greatest concert movie ever filmed - Shatner sits alone
on a barstool, smoking a cigarette as he reels off his musical journey
into the Beatles and Shakespeare. The audience is captivated - there's
still time to make this!
- THE WALL - Pink Floyd
The concept album of the miserable life of millionaire rock star Roger
Waters could be fashioned into an epic tale of a life, from World War
Two childhood through to music stardom. Get someone great to play the
hero, like, er, Bob Geldof?! Here, wait a minute...
Any more suggestions? Let us know...
As a member you can send
your own articles for inclusion on the site. These can be on any cult
movie related subject - although you might like to email me before embarking
on a massive project which is then deemed unsuitable. On the whole though,
if you think it might interest other readers it's good enough for us.
REST IN PEACE
Brad Dexter, the member of The Magnificent Seven who everyone
forgets, died aged 85 in December. His other films included The Asphalt
Jungle, House of Bamboo, The George Raft Story, Von
Ryan's Express (with his friend Frank Sinatra), Shampoo and
Winter Kills. He also produced Lady Sings the Blues and
was briefly married to Peggy Lee.
Joe Strummer, legendary front man of The Clash, died of a heart
attack aged 50 in December. The Clash appeared in Rude Boy
and D.O.A., and Strummer had small roles in Ladies and Gentlemen
The Fabulous Stains, Straight To Hell, Walker (for which
he composed the music) and Mystery Train.
James Ferman, head of the British Board of Film Classification for 24
years, died aged 72 on Christmas Eve. As far as censorship went, he believed
education was the way forward, but this didn't stop many controversial
cuts by the board under his supervision.
Red-haired supporting actor Kenneth Tobey had around a hundred small
roles, but is probably best remembered for starring in The Thing From
Another World. Other films included Beast From 20,000 Fathoms,
It Came From Beneath The Sea, Gunfight at the OK Corral,
Cry Terror, Walking Tall, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, The
Howling and Gremlins, and he starred in his own TV series,
Whirlybirds. He died aged 83 in December.
Director George Roy Hill died aged 81 in December. His films could be
huge hits or quirky cult movies, and included The World of Henry Orient,
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Slaughterhouse Five,
The Sting, The Great Waldo Pepper, Slap Shot, A
Little Romance and The World According to Garp.
Cinematographer Conrad Hall died aged 76 in January. He said he entered
the movie business to meet stars; early work on the Outer Limits
TV series led to The Professionals, In Cold Blood, Hell
in the Pacific, Fat City, Electra Glide in Blue, Smile,
Day of the Locust, Marathon Man and Road To Perdition.
He won Oscars for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and American
Beauty, and was once married to Katharine Ross.
Composer Ron Goodwin died aged 77 in January; his film work included
Village of the Damned and its sequel, Day of the Triffids,
the Margaret Rutherford Miss Marple series (catchy!), 633 Squadron,
Where Eagles Dare, Battle of Britain, Frenzy and
One of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing.
As one of the Bee Gees, Maurice Gibb was jointly responsible for the
music of Saturday Night Fever, the biggest-selling soundtrack album
of all time until The Bodyguard arrived. On the other hand, the
Bee Gees also starred alongside Peter Frampton in Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Heart's Club Band, a notorious flop of the 70s. Maurice was
once married to Lulu. He died aged 53 in January.
Japanese director Kinji Fukasaku died in January aged 72. His long career
took in science fiction such as The Green Slime, Message From
Space, Virus and Battle Royale and gangster movies such
as Yakuza Graveyard and Graveyard of Honour. He also co-directed
Tora! Tora! Tora!
French director Maurice Pialat died in January aged 77. A difficult man
by most accounts, he will probably be best remembered for his 1980s films
like Loulou, Police and Sous le Soleil du Satan,
which won the Palme D'Or at Cannes.
Paul Monash produced Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Slaughterhouse
Five, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, Carrie and Big
Trouble in Little China, among others. He also worked in TV, producing
Peyton Place and writing miniseries like Salem's Lot and V.
He died aged 85 in January.
Richard Crenna died in January aged 75 after a long acting career in
film and television. Among his films are The Sand Pebbles, Wait
Until Dark, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Body Heat and
the Rambo movies.
Norman Panama was a writer, director and producer, sometimes all on the
same movie, and often with his collaborator Melvin Frank. Films he was
involved with included The Road to Utopia, Mr Blandings Builds
His Dream House, Knock on Wood, White Christmas, The
Court Jester and The Maltese Bippy. He died aged 88 in January.
Actor Anthony Eisley acted mostly on television, starring in Hawaiian
Eye, but also made films such as The Wasp Woman, The Naked
Kiss, The Navy Vs The Night Monsters, Dracula Vs Frankenstein
and The Doll Squad. He died aged 78 in January.
Lana Clarkson appeared in low budget films like Deathstalker and Barbarian Queen and also had small roles in Amazon Women on the Moon and Scarface. She was shot dead aged 41 in February; legendary music producer Phil Spector has been charged with her murder.
New reviews on the site include:
The Great Escape
The Fall of the House of Usher
The Sword and the Sorcerer
A FOND FAREWELL
So we reach the end of another heart-warming Spinning
Image newsletter. Now it's time to dim the lights and get out
the Vaseline - for smearing on the camera lens, of course - as you collapse
into your partner's arms for a soft focus embrace... and as the camera
pans tastefully up towards the Venetian blinds, we bid you goodnight.
Until next time, send us a Valentine via the little
box at the Spinning