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  Ultraviolet Warning - do not watch this film
Year: 2006
Director: Kurt Wimmer
Stars: Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund, Sebastien Andrieu, William Fichtner, David Collier, Kieran O'Rorke, Digger Mesch, Ryan Martin
Genre: Horror, Action, TrashBuy from Amazon
Rating:  3 (from 3 votes)
Review: After just five minutes of this abomination, I asked myself - is this the worst movie I've ever seen? I'll be perfectly honest and say that I was hard pressed to come up with anything less enjoyable. I had to pause it several times just to have some hard booze and a breath of fresh air (ok, a cig). I actually considered taking a dump in a cardboard box turned it on it's side to form a rudimentary televison set, and watching that instead. I think most people would agree, poo-in-a-box beats this crapola any day.

Here's a summary of the plot of Ultraviolet. BURP. There you go. Yet in the minds of the people responsible for the 'script' it goes like this : Milla Jovovich plays Violet Song jat Shariff, a woman with a stupid name out for revenge. Also, she hates humans because they experimented on her, and they killed her baby. She somehow became a vampire or a hemophage (all bollocks) and she exacts a righteous wrath on humans and wants to kill them all and make them all suffer and kill them all and they can all die for all she cares because she's so cool and wants them to die and she's gonna do it and she's cool. She can also change her hair colour just by thinking about it and stuff, and she can hide weapons inside her body using some kind of technology. AWESOME! Some guy with an even stupider name - Vicecardinum Ferdinand Daxus - is bad. There's something about a child with special blood, and there's some other vampires, and lots and lots of faceless goons getting killed in really, really stupid ways involving slow motion rip-offs from The Matrix and all the rest.

What's so offensive about Ultraviolet compared to other recent horrors in the action/shitfest genre? It's fair to say 'Elektra' is bad, as is 'Underworld', as is 'Blade Trinity' and so on, and on, and on. But those films all have something in common. No matter how bad they are, there is a plot. They actually follow the tradition of making a film by introducing characters and a story, and letting things develop by inserting obstacles and situations that make some sort of sense. It may all still be detestable and poorly scripted, and the cast may struggle to out act bacterium, but the building blocks are there. They exist. Like chimp art - they still use a brush and paper.

In this discharge of a film, there is no plot. None. Seriously. It's silly to even say things like "It must have been written on the back of a fag packet" because that implies both the skill of writing, and the ability to handle something as tricky as a pen. The fucko behind it all - responsible for Equilibrium which is positively taxing compared to this - is called Kurt Wimmer. KURT WIMMER. Commit that name to memory folks, and make sure to avoid whatever smear of a movie he wipes on your clean bedsheets next. KURT WIMMER. I may re-program some of you like in The Manchurian Candidate, and unleash an army of assassins on this dastard at an appointed time.

Like I said, Milla Jovovich is in this film. She wears tight clothes and you get to see quite a bit of her body. Now please, class. Please. Don't start saying "Hurr! Sounds like it IS a good movie!" because let's be honest, we've got the internet now and we don't need to grub around for something to rub one out to any longer. I will personally forward a list of sites to you where you can get your jollies, if it means you will not watch this film.

One third of all shots in the film are of Milla crouching after a jump/roll/fall/dive and slowly looking up to the camera. All other shots are of people in locations lit like pretentious wine bars doing things like striding down corridors, or talking about Milla and how bad-ass she is. The most heinous plot device of all is Milla's motivation - "they forced her to have a miscarriage". Those responsible for this piece of manipulation have been served with summons to appear before the court of the infernally damned, and they will suffer the death of a thousand cuts. Speaking of cuts, the editors earned their corn on this one - the shots change faster than you can blink, and each one is a progression towards an inevitable conclusion of a sequel. There's bound to be one, because Kurt Wimmer has signed a pact with Satan, and he must be stopped.

Do not watch this movie.
Reviewer: Ted Forsyth

 

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