HOME |  CULT MOVIES | COMPETITIONS | ADVERTISE |  CONTACT US |  ABOUT US
 
 
Newest Reviews
Iron Fury
Ride in the Whirlwind
Deathstalker II
Cloak and Dagger
Honeyland
Love Ban, The
Western Stars
League of Gentlemen, The
Higher Power
Shinsengumi
IT Chapter Two
Rich Kids
Arena
Glory Guys, The
Serial Killer's Guide to Life, A
Lovers and Other Strangers
Shiny Shrimps, The
Good Woman is Hard to Find, A
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Doctor at Sea
Spear
Death Cheaters
Wild Rose
Streetwalkin'
Mystify: Michael Hutchence
Devil's Playground, The
Cleanin' Up the Town: Remembering Ghostbusters
Hustlers
Mega Time Squad
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Souvenir, The
Birds of Passage
Ma
Woman at War
Happy as Lazzaro
Mickey's Christmas Carol
Marriage Story
Santa Claus is a Bastard
Star, The
Tom & Jerry: A Nutcracker Tale
   
 
Newest Articles
Bash Street Kid: Cosh Boy on Blu-ray
Seeing is Believing: Being There on Blu-ray
Top Thirty Best (and Ten Worst) Films of the 2010s by Andrew Pragasam
Top of the Tens: The Best Films of the Decade by Graeme Clark
Terrorvision: A Ghost Story for Christmas in the 1970s
Memories Are Made of This: La Jetee and Sans Soleil on Blu-ray
Step Back in Time: The Amazing Mr. Blunden on Blu-ray
Crazy Cats and Kittens: What's New Pussycat on Blu-ray
No Place Like Home Guard: Dad's Army - The Lost Episodes on Blu-ray
A Real-Life Pixie: A Tribute to Michael J. Pollard in Four Roles
We're All In This Together: The Halfway House on Blu-ray
Please Yourselves: Frankie Howerd and The House in Nightmare Park on Blu-ray
Cleesed Off: Clockwise on Blu-ray
Sorry I Missed You: Les Demoiselles de Rochefort on Blu-ray
Silliest of the Silly: Monty Python's Flying Circus Series 1 on Blu-ray
Protest Songs: Hair on Blu-ray
Peak 80s Schwarzenegger: The Running Man and Red Heat
Rock On: That'll Be the Day and Stardust on Blu-ray
Growing Up in Public: 7-63 Up on Blu-ray
Learn Your Craft: Legend of the Witches and Secret Rites on Blu-ray
70s Psycho-Thrillers! And Soon the Darkness and Fright on Blu-ray
Split: Stephen King and George A. Romero's The Dark Half on Blu-ray
Disney Post-Walt: Three Gamechangers
But Doctor, I Am Pagliacci: Tony Hancock's The Rebel and The Punch and Judy Man on Blu-ray
Once Upon a Time in Deadwood: Interview with Director Rene Perez
   
 
  Alone in the Dark Relics Of RubbishBuy this film here.
Year: 2005
Director: Uwe Boll
Stars: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Mathew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi, Karin Konoval, Craig Bruhnanski, Françoise Yip
Genre: Horror, Action
Rating:  1 (from 4 votes)
Review: As paranormal investigator Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) sleeps on an aeroplane, he recalls his childhood of which he has little memory before the age of ten. He was an orphan, and one night the nineteen other orphans in the children's home were taken somewhere while Edward escaped and hid in a power plant. Now he is taking an ancient artefact to a museum, an artefact which has some connection to a long died out race who pushed the boundaries of human knowledge thousands of years ago. But when he gets into the taxi to take him there, he notices that he is being followed - someone wants to get their hands on the museum's property, and badly.

Oh, how badly. Really, really badly. Pretty terrible in fact. There have been a lot of unkind things said about director Uwe Boll, who specialises in big screen adaptation of computer games, of which Alone in the Dark is one. Some are of the opinion he is the modern day, German Edward D. Wood Jr, only with a greater effects budget and lesser entertainment value, others say he is only around to make Paul W.S. Anderson look good, and there are those who go as far as to believe his films are specially designed as tax losses for big Hollywood studios. This film, scripted by Elan Mastai, Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, does little to counter those views.

Yes, it actually took three people to write a movie that was based on a computer game, and watching it you might well have preferred to see someone playing the game instead. It opens with a car chase, followed by a fight to the death with a large, bald man in sunglasses who puts Slater through his action paces, but as the story is barely coherent what the homicidal gentleman has to do with the rest of the film is anyone's guess. Edward finally makes it to the museum with his artefact, and hands it over to archaeologist Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) - we know she's a clever sort because she wears glasses.

And naturally, she takes the glasses off at the earliest opportunity, as you can't have someone who wears spectacles in one of those action scenes, can you? They'd fly off or something. Anyway, Aline's boss is Dr Hudgens (Mathew Walker) who is not all he seems, as it was his idea to do whatever they did to the orphans all those years ago, and presently he is on a ship with a large container (which is ancient as well of course). His cohort double crosses him and opens the box, leading everyone on the ship to be killed by what's inside apart from Hudgens, and the now grown up orphans to abruptly leave their lives behind and turn into murderous zombies.

The reason they do this is due to an old movie favourite: ladies and gentlemen, your applause please for the return of The Tingler! Or something like it. And not only are there zombies but also computer generated monsters roving around the night, which look exactly as scary as a baddie taken from a game, with no weight or presence. Every time Edward and Aline are placed in jeopardy, a heavily armed squad from the mysterious government squad Bureau 713, headed by Commander Burke (Stephen Dorff) arrive and the amount of machine gun fire in this film makes Rambo look like Ghandi. It ends in a straight lift from Resident Evil, and with Slater and Reid looking numb throughout (their extremely perfunctory love scene notably fails to generate any heat) you're left with a film that epitomises the emptiness of the action horror genre of the 2000s.
Reviewer: Graeme Clark

 

This review has been viewed 5225 time(s).

As a member you could Rate this film

 
Review Comments (0)


Untitled 1

Login
  Username:
 
  Password:
 
   
 
Forgotten your details? Enter email address in Username box and click Reminder. Your details will be emailed to you.
   

Latest Poll
Which star is the best at shouting?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Brian Blessed
Tiffany Haddish
Steve Carell
Olivia Colman
Captain Caveman
Sylvester Stallone
Gerard Butler
Samuel L. Jackson
Bipasha Basu
   
 
   

Recent Visitors
Graeme Clark
Andrew Pragasam
Darren Jones
  Rachel Franke
Enoch Sneed
Paul Smith
Paul Shrimpton
  Desbris M
   

 

Last Updated: